THE ART OF NOT PROCRASTINATING

Jesse Florea

Beat the waiting game and ace your way to school success. Breakaway shows you how.

Putting things off until the last minute may look effortless, but it’s not. There’s a subtle art involved, which can be developed only through inborn laziness and repetition.

In my “procrastinating prime,” I learned how to ignore even the easiest homework assignment until it was almost too late. But my expertise didn’t develop overnight; I carefully cultivated my craft through years of training.

Of course, this “art” wasn’t appreciated by the people around me. To naive onlookers (such as my parents), vegging in front of the tube looked easier than memorizing the significant battles of the Civil War or solving a dozen quadratic equations. But just ask any college professor and he’ll tell you, “Making the difficult look simple requires hours of practice.”

Homework Avoidance
In junior high, avoiding homework was a cinch. I left my books in my locker, goofed off with my buddies all evening, then did math homework during the first five minutes of homeroom. (No sweat!)

But when high school rolled around, the homework became harder. I was forced to change tactics.

Overnight math assignments gave way to three-week social studies projects. Instead of “What I Did During Summer Vacation” essays, I was shirking five-page papers about Albert Einstein. (YIKES!)

No longer was I preoccupied just during the first few minutes of homeroom. I was now losing sleep thinking about homework, dreaming about homework — despising homework! The burden was almost overwhelming. But I pressed on, learning new ways to delay an assignment.

Procrastination Tactics
My favorite delay tactics fell into two categories — cuisine and hygiene.

Some of my more “creative” time-wasters included cutting my toenails, eating a second bowl of ice cream, cracking my knuckles, popping my zits and drinking a glass of orange juice. These diversions were also easy to justify. “After all,” I said, “how can I read ‘Romeo and Juliet’ with my face looking like this?”

My young career as a chronic procrastinator eventually hit a crisis point in 10th-grade English. I was assigned my first king-size research paper and was given one month to deliver the goods.

Naturally, I waited 27 days to pick my topic. So the next 48 hours involved a crash-’n’-burn marathon at the library, right? (Not!) My “Let’s-put-things-off-till-the-last-millisecond” mentality forced me to research and write my paper in one frantic night.

Of course, there were still some important tasks to complete before I actually began typing, like picking out the sock lint from between my toes, brushing my teeth and eating some “brain” food (which consisted of red licorice . . . but Smarties and Gummi Bears also do the trick).

After staying up half the night, I not only finished the assignment on time but learned a few things about myself:

• I need more than two hours of sleep per night to appear human (because the next morning in school I looked like a zombie on a bad hair day).

• My brain can compose semiunderstandable sentences for only about five straight hours. (My mind was mush during the last 120 minutes it took me to finish.)

• I won’t survive the rest of high school unless I change my study habits.

Conquering Procrastination
Implementing these changes didn’t negatively impact my life as much as I thought it would. I could still be cool. Wearing an industrial-sized pocket protector and lugging a 20-pound, leather-bound briefcase were not part of the plan. But I did devise a new strategy, and it’ll work for you, too.

1. Do Homework as It’s Assigned.
What a concept! If a teacher assigns 15 pages of reading every night for a week, read each section overnight. Don’t let it amass into a festering heap (like your gym socks), until you’re forced to catch up by reading 75 pages during the weekend. Of course, you can ignore this advice if you have nothing better to do on your weekend than learn about the French and Indian War.

2. Make Lists.
While it sounds tedious, it works. Between friends, sports, clubs, hobbies and household responsibilities, it’s easy to forget something. Get organized. Write down all the assignments you have for the next day. (If you really want to go crazy, buy a calendar or daily planner and plan one week — or even a month — at a time.) This way, you’ll be able to see what’s coming down the road so you can attack your homework (without it attacking you).

3. Follow Your Lists.
Duh?! You’d be surprised by the number of people who have the ability to make a list but end up losing it or crumpling it up in their pocket and finding it the following week in the washing machine. Going through your list and crossing out finished tasks will help you feel you’re getting something done. News flash: You are!

4. Tackle One Thing at a Time.
A great way to develop an Excedrin-style headache is to stare at a long list of assignments that are due the next day. Anybody got an aspirin?

Projects are more manageable when you focus on them individually. Besides, once you’re done with a task, you can scribble it off your list. Hint: A black indelible marker works best!

He's Driving Me Crazy!

Mary Ann Cook

Those Nasty Habits

What's your husband's most annoying habit? Isb it the way he slurps his cereal or cracks his knuckles? Is it the way he breathes, as one woman actually complained?

The longer you've been married, the longer your list of pet peeves is bound to be. It's not so much that your spouse has added more bad habits over the years, but simply that the ones that were easy to put up with in the early days of your marriage have gradually eaten away at your nerves. Now they've reached that really tender spot that makes you yell "Ouch!" — and the honeymoon Novocain has worn off.

How can you deal with irritating habits? Try speaking the truth — in love (Ephesians 4:15). Point out to your husband, in a calm voice and preferably with a sense of humor, that what he is doing really bugs you. Perhaps he'll make an effort to change his ways. Old habits are very hard to break, though, so don't expect miracles.

Once the behavior has been named, you can express your feelings the next time he repeats it. It’s far better to say, "You are driving me crazy again," than to actually be driven crazy by holding in the anger.

Meanwhile, try to admit that you may have irritating habits yourself. Perhaps if you ask your spouse to identify your little quirks and then spend time working on those, you won't keep concentrating on his.

If this approach doesn't work, consider wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet. The bracelet itself might not be an ideal choice for your jewelry collection, but its motto is well worth remembering — especially at stressful moments. I've been thinking about printing "What Would Jesus Do?" on a sticky note and attaching it to our bathroom mirror. Then the next time I find the capless tube of toothpaste lying in a pool of sticky, cool mint gel, I might not lose my cool.

Don't forget to pray for your husband. Ask for patience. Take your complaints to the Lord and leave them there. Trust Him to make things better between the two of you.

It might also help to write a list of things that are driving you up the wall. When you look at it, you'll see how insignificant most of the items are. True, fleas and ants are irritating despite their tiny size. But we need to develop a new attitude about this small stuff, heeding the title of Richard Carlson's book Don't Sweat the Small Stuff . . . and It’s All Small Stuff. Let's stop sweating and start counting to 10.

Once we've calmed down, we can start developing compassion for our mates — in spite of their irritating habits. (This sounds like something Jesus would do, doesn't it?) As author Claudia Arp notes, it helps to remember that we are to "cleave" (Genesis 2:24, King James Version) to our spouses for life. "Cleaving," writes Claudia, "means sticking together no matter what and giving each other permission to be less than perfect." (This probably includes partaking of one's cereal in a less than perfect way.) She suggests that we lighten up. "There are times in marriage where you'll either laugh or cry. Dave and I have decided if at all possible, we'll choose laughter over tears."

I opt for laughter — and I hope you do, too.

Don't Touch That Button

Let's look at two other areas where control battles are waged daily between spouses — television viewing and thermostat settings.

Many couples have different tastes when it comes to TV programs. The obvious solution is to purchase a second television set.

I wouldn't recommend that for newlyweds. But seasoned couples — especially those who find themselves together 24 hours a day — can afford to spend a little time apart. Television viewing is one area where compromising seldom works; it’s unrealistic to expect an ESPN fan to convert a Food Network buff, or vice versa.

If buying a second television set isn't possible, try watching one show while taping another. Unfortunately, my husband and I can't agree on who gets to see the live production and who has to wait to view the tape. That's why we have "his" and "her" TV sets — one upstairs, one downstairs. (I take the upstairs because it's so much warmer up there!)

Speaking of temperature, thermostats are a problem for many couples. You and your mate may be a perfect match, but chances are that your metabolisms are not. Control of the thermostat appears to be edging out the battle over the TV remote when it comes to the major source of arguments among spouses. One mate typically shivers while the other swelters, and shouts of "Who messed with the thermostat?" echo off the walls.

At our house, it is considered a federal crime to move the thermostat needle more than one notch at a time. Just to be seen lurking near the thermostat is cause for suspicion. Short of installing a security camera, I don't have a solution for this problem.

It would seem logical to keep the temperature at a low setting and let the cold-blooded ones grab a sweater and pile on the blankets. The less logical alternative would be to hitch it up to 80 degrees and let warm-blooded family members pass out from the heat. But when I voiced my opinion at a recent workshop, I was bombarded with hisses. I had unknowingly stumbled into a pit of cold-blooded creatures whose cry was, "Take it off, take it off," rather than, "Pile it on."

Because of this reaction, I no longer offer solutions. Instead, I ask for suggestions. One woman volunteered her husband's unusual remedy: "He thinks I should go in for a blood transfusion once a month." Thin-blooded people, take note!

The thermostat war will continue to rage for a long time. This is one area in which your compromising skills will be put to the test.

The Choice Is Yours

When it comes to dealing with the things about our husbands that drive us crazy, it pays to keep things in perspective. Commentator Andy Rooney might have had that in mind when he wrote these words in a list called "What I've Learned":

I've learned . . . that being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned . . . that when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned . . . that one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow you may have to eat them.

I've learned . . . that I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do.

We can't help it if our husbands get on our nerves at times. But we can help what we do with our angry feelings. We can choose to count to ten, shoot off a prayer for patience, or laugh it off.

I think I'll go for all three.

Teaching Children to Be Peacemakers

Ken Sande


You can teach your children how to resolve conflicts among themselves or with their friends and other people they know. Imagine how much better life could be for you and them.

Here are 12 key principles that young peacemakers need to learn:

1. Conflict is a slippery slope. Some children try to escape from a conflict, while others try to solve it by going on the attack. Few naturally try to work it out.

2. Conflict starts in the heart. The choices we make to get our own way are deliberate. We decide whether to be obedient or disobedient, wise or foolish, caring or unloving.

3. Choices have consequences. For good or bad, the choices we make will affect us and others. Conflict is often the consequence of a choice we have made.

4. Wise-way choices are better than my-way choices. Selfishness is not smart and will not lead to happiness. The wise way is to obey authority, make right choices, seek godly advice and respect others.

5. The blame game makes conflict worse. It doesn’t work to point the finger at someone else, cover up one’s own bad choices or make excuses.

6. Conflict is an opportunity. By handling it right we get a chance to glorify God, serve others and become better people.

7. The “Five A’s” can resolve conflict. These simple steps will almost always lead to peace.

8. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. By forgiving someone, we are making four promises.

9. It is never too late to start doing what's right. You can always stop doing wrong, then think about a better way and plan how to pursue it.

10. Think before you speak. Or before you act. Or before you confront someone.

11. Respectful communication is more likely to be heard. This includes the words we speak, our tone of voice and our body language (making eye contact and avoiding bad gestures, facial expressions or posture).

12. A respectful appeal can prevent conflict. Learn how to make one.

What is required of those who want to teach children to be peacemakers? We must:

show that peacemaking skills are necessary if they want to have satisfying personal relationships.

help them understand the root cause of their conflicts.

offer deliberate, systematic instruction, often by example.

provide them with a variety of appropriate social interactions so they can practice getting along with others in the midst of struggles and conflicts.

Peacemaking for Families by Ken Sande, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House. Copyright © 2002 by Peacemaker® Ministries. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used with permission. See also The Young Peacemaker by Corlette Sande, published by Shepherd Press. For more information on Peacemaker® Ministries visit www.Peacemaker.net.

Family begs attacker to return Mo. baby

JIM SALTER,

Associated Press

A grandmother of a newborn girl stolen from a rural home pleaded Saturday for the baby's safe return, as authorities searched for an abductor who stabbed and seriously injured the infant's mother before fleeing with the child.

"The family's in agony," Raylene Ochsenbine said at a news conference. "Just give her back."

The attacker walked into the home, told Abby Woods' mother "I'm here to take your child," then slashed the young mother's throat and fled with the 1-week-old child.

The baby's pediatrician, Andy Zupan, said the abduction comes at a time when the baby is still adjusting to life. She is already overdue for a doctor's visit, Zupan said, and had been breast-feeding.

"We just want her to just take her to a church or a hospital," Ochsenbine said. "Just give her back."

Franklin County Sheriff Gary Toelke said authorities had some good leads in their search for the attacker and the baby but "nothing has headed us in a certain direction."

The child's mother said she did not know her attacker, police said. Stephanie Ochsenbine, 21, was in stable condition Saturday following surgery.

"She's torn apart," Raylene Ochsenbine said.

The FBI, Missouri State Highway Patrol and the Missouri National Guard were helping with the investigation, Toelke said. The sheriff asked the public to report any woman who had talked about wanting a child or acted pregnant recently.

"The description is not locked in concrete," Toelke said. "It could be someone who had a child die recently or could not have children and has told people they were pregnant and needed to steal a child so their lie would not be found out."

Franklin County Maj. Mike Copeland noted that a sign celebrating Abby's birth was displayed in the front yard and was plainly visible from a highway.

The attacker had gained entry to the family's home in Lonedell, about 45 miles south of St. Louis, on Friday afternoon by asking to use Stephanie Ochsenbine's telephone. Ochsenbine's boyfriend and Abby's father, James Woods, was at work at the time, police said.

They fought after the woman told Ochsenbine "I'm here to take your child," and Ochsenbine was stabbed several times and her throat was slashed.

Ochsenbine's 1-year-old son, Connor, also was in the house but was unharmed.

Ochsenbine passed out and police aren't sure how long she was unconscious.

When she regained consciousness, she picked up Connor and went for help, trying two houses where no one was home before arriving at neighbor Pat Bearden's home.

"She was standing there with blood all over her and said 'Somebody stole my baby,'" said Pat Bearden, 69.

While no one has been ruled out as being involved, Ochsenbine and Woods are not considered prime suspects, Toelke said. "We're not focusing on them," he said.

How to….... buy lingerie

Before we start lets get one thing straight, we're talking about learning to buy underwear for your lady, so any of you guys who've clicked here because you have slightly different 'personal' reasons for buying lingerie then you can probably stop reading now.

Now if the red vinyl garter belt with thigh highs is what you want then you've probably got a problem, when it comes to getting her in your choice of lingerie then you've really got to think classy, not trashy.

What we need to establish is there is a difference between what you want her to wear and what she'll actually wear… but don't despair just yet, a compromise can be reached, so read on and get ready for the silk-lined ride of your life.

Here are seven suggestions for getting her something for her, not something for you.

1. Kick it up a notch

Try to buy things she normally wears and just turn the sexiness up a little. If she usually wears a t-shirt and flannel pyjamas to bed, take it one step further to a baby doll for a more daring choice.

2. Underwear individuality

Base the lingerie on her personality. If she's daring and assertive, go for the novelty lingerie. But if she's more reserved, she'd prefer something subtle. If you're unsure you can't really go wrong with the most flattering underwear; lacy boy shorts.

3. Size matters

Don't go into the store and measure up the sales associate to determine your wife or girlfriend's size ("Umm, she's about your size," is a line that could mean you get asked to leave – or maybe slapped). Do some investigative work. Open up her underwear drawer and check out the sizes before you go shopping. Also, peek in her wardrobe to find out all her sizes, so you can at least narrow it down to small, medium, or large.

4. How big are they anyway?

If you've ever wanted to know how women determine the 36 in 36-26-38, here's the gist.

• She measures her chest diameter, just below her breasts.
• Add 5 to this number to get a number usually between 32-40 (the band size).
• To get cup size, she measures the diameter of her chest directly over her nipples
• The difference between these two numbers determines cup size (for every inch, you go up a size, so to be a D-cup the difference between the two numbers would be 3 ½ to 4 ½ inches.)

If this makes no sense, then don't worry about it – it's easier to cheat anyway – see suggestion three , above.

5. Recognize her assets

A man should be aware of his lady's favourite and least favourite assets and try to select a lingerie option that caters to that. Women with smaller breasts usually like a cleavage enhancing option for special occasions, while a woman with larger breasts prefers an unpadded option. If she doesn't like to show too much skin, slip options are sexy and could be what you need.

6. Comfort counts

Still confused? You can't really go wrong with sleepwear or a robe. Choose a slip with a bathrobe and remember in winter, most women like to have their shoulders covered. If you buy a little slip, cami or babydoll get a little robe to go with it for her to wear until she goes to bed.

7. Underneath it all

Remember if it's for day-to-day wear then try and make her feel as classy as possible. Buy her lingerie that she can wear under her clothes, but still feel sexy, not slutty. A lot of women like to feel sexy during the day, by wearing something under their clothing that can crossover from daywear into night. Even when she's at work, it will make her feel sexy to know she's wearing something special underneath, and hopefully she'll be thinking about the man who bought her that something special - all day.

How to… revive a dying relationship

All relationships go through tough times and sometimes it's better to say goodbye and move on. However, quite often it's worthwhile making the effort and bringing the happy times back to the love you've got.

This isn't as easy as it may sound. Considerable effort is required to make her see you in that first flush of romance once again. So follow these tips and you'll soon have her thinking that you're the best thing in the world.

• Thinking about leaving her? Think about this first: No woman is perfect. The next one you pick up could indeed be cooler, sexier and wealthier. But you'll soon grow tired of her crap, too
• After your next screaming match, don't bother with the "I love you" cliché. Just tell her, "You know, you're the only person I'd ever tolerate talking to me like that. You're that amazing"
• No screaming matches lately? Have one, fast. If she's screaming at you, she still gives a damn. Silence from a woman means something has died. (Or will die. Tonight. In his sleep)
• All the stuff you'd want after a breakup - nights on the town, drop-of-a-hat holidays, those long awaited season tickets - you can enjoy right now, with a built-in date. So pick something fun and do it
• Learn a new sport together that encourages you to admire each other's form
• As you ask your friend for advice on your girl's dropping temperature and increasing distance, did it ever occur to you to ask her?
• You're both 10 excess pounds away from feeling good about yourselves again. Drop them together. It'll be you and her against the world, just like old times
• Reinstate one courtesy toward her that's been lost since your courtship - opening the car door for her, bringing her flowers etc

Tried everything on this list and she's still unresponsive? It's time to smile, hold her hand, and offer her these five risky words: "Now it's up to you."

How to... avoid the traps women set

Women aren't content just to be happy. Their brains are wired differently than ours - they crave conflict, drama and instability. They like to start fights over nothing. Because they need and want to be constantly reassured, they thrive on insecurity.

They are illogical and emotion-driven creatures. This is why they test men by constructing damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't traps to put men's commitment, loyalty and motives on trial.

Most of these traps come packaged as innocent questions or offhand remarks. Innocent? Dream on. In fact, they're designed to make a man fail, and woe to you if you do because the punishment for failure is merciless.

Tender trapping may be a ridiculous and childish game that women force men to play, but there's no way you can avoid it, so the trick is to sidestep her booby traps.

"What are you thinking?"

A classic. Women are like little children - they believe that the sun and universe revolve around them. So when a woman asks this question, what she really means is, "Are you thinking about me right now?". Her female psychology drives her to imagine that she dominates your thoughts 24/7. Never mind that she's not thinking about you; what’s on her mind is buying the 147th pair of shoes she doesn't need.

Stupid responses:

• "I was wondering what time the game starts"
• "Have you seen that new chick who moved in across the hall?"
• "Beer"

Smart responses:

• "I was just thinking how pretty you look today"
• "I was just thinking what a lucky guy I am to even know you"
• "I was just thinking about that time we went to [insert memorable relationship event here] and what a great day we had"

"Do you think I'm fat?" (aka "Do I look fat in this dress?")

What she’s really asking is, "Do you still think I’m sexually attractive, even though I haven't seen the inside of a gym in five years and sit around gorging on chocolate all day?". This is a tough one because she knows she's fat (otherwise, she wouldn't be asking the question in the first place) and she wants you to lie, but you can't be obvious about the fact that you're lying.

Stupid responses:

• "Yeah, you could stand to lose a few"
• "I’ve been noticing all that cottage cheese on your thighs lately"
• "Compared to who?"

Smart responses:

• Just look at her in utter amazement that she could even ask such a question.
• Don't answer directly. Instead, say something like, "You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen"

"What are you attracted to, my brains or my body?"

This is female-speak for "Did you hook up with me just because I have big melons?". It's the perfect female trap. If you answer that it was her intelligence and sparkling personality that initially got you interested, then she’ll come back with, "Oh, so you think I'm ugly?" And if you mention her awesome rack, prepare to duck.

Stupid response:

• Openly leering at her breasts while making grasping motions with your fingers

Smart response:

• "You know what's so great about you, honey? You're the perfect combination of beauty and brains. Everything about you turns me on"

"If you could sleep with one of my friends, which one would it be?"

Oh, boy. This is a classic test-your-loyalty, damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t trap.

Stupid responses:

• Wistfully answering "Monica" as your brain throws up images of a torrid threesome
• Even worse is saying, "It would be a tough choice between Monica and Jennifer"

Smart responses:

• "You're so beautiful that I wouldn't want to sleep with anybody else"
• "I've never thought of any of your friends that way, so I really couldn't pick one"
• Run for your life

"Do you love me?"

What she's really asking is, "Is this relationship going to end up in marriage or am I just wasting my time hanging out with you?". Never forget that women look at dating and marriage as businesses, and if she's not going to realise a future profit, then she will have no further use for you.

Stupid responses:

• "I've grown very fond of you"
• "That depends on what you mean by 'love'"
• "I guess so"

Smart responses:

• This is another time to cleverly sidestep a direct answer, so say something like, "You are the perfect woman. I love being around you"
• Run

"How many women have you slept with?"

What's really going through her mind are questions like, "How could you possibly have had sex with anyone other than me?", "Do you still think about these women?", and "Were they better sexual partners than I am?".

Stupid response:

• Starting to count on your fingers, then moving on to your toes

Smart response:

• "I can't remember, dear, because since I met you, no one else matters"

These are just a few of her traps. She has a lot more in her arsenal, so you have to be on your toes. If you feel guilty about lying to her, don't. Remember: She's not really looking for the truth - what she's really after is psychological reassurance. But just make sure that you're constantly vigilant or you just might fall in.

Search with Ask.com

Midwives attack EastEnders plot

Midwives have attacked the BBC soap EastEnders for its portrayal of the birth of a baby with Down's syndrome.

The Royal College of Midwives said the plot, involving the characters Honey and Billy Mitchell, was unrealistic and would worry expectant couples.

The RCM is angry Honey was shown being refused an epidural when in pain, and being told about her baby's condition without her husband being present.

But a BBC spokeswoman said the scenes were based on real-life experiences.

A spokeswoman for the RCM said: "What the soaps do is set scenes which prompt people to talk about things which are affecting their lives.

"We are concerned people will wrongly think this Down's syndrome story shows what really happens, and that if you have a problem there is no one there to support you."

"Showing something like this is not helpful."

'Prejudiced' views

But a spokeswoman for the BBC said it had been preparing for the storyline since the beginning of the year, talking to families with children who have Down's syndrome and a midwife from a major hospital about the storyline, as well as the Down's Syndrome Association.

She added: "EastEnders has in fact drawn directly from one particular true-life story.

"And while this may indeed not be best practice, it is worth saying that good drama does not necessarily come from best practice."

Carol Boys, chief executive of the Down's Syndrome Association, said: "The way in which Billy and Honey have learnt of their baby's disability, and their subsequent support from their health professionals, is not a best practice model.

"However, neither is it an unrealistic situation."

She cited research carried out this year which found nearly 40% of parents who have a child with Down's syndrome whose condition is diagnosed after the birth are given no written or practical information about the condition.

Ms Boys added: "Some health professionals hold outdated or prejudiced views about people with Down's syndrome that prevent them from giving parents a balanced picture of what the future will hold for them."

The New Workplace Romance

Rob Moll

How budding workplace relationships are causing a "crisis of infidelity"

Today’s workplace has become the No. 1 spot for married individuals to meet affair partners. More men and women are breaking their marriage vows by engaging in office friendships that slowly become romantic relationships — relationships that would have been socially impossible just 20 years ago. As the boundaries that once separated the sexes crumble, so do the boundaries that protect marriage.

In her book Not ‘Just Friends’, Dr. Shirley Glass says, "The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love. Eighty-two percent of the 210 unfaithful partners I’ve treated have had an affair with someone who was, at first, ‘just a friend.’" From 1991 to 2000, Glass discovered in her practice that 50 percent of the unfaithful women and about 62 percent of unfaithful men she treated were involved with someone from work. "Today’s workplace has become the new danger zone of romantic attraction and opportunity," Glass writes.

Today’s careers offer more opportunity for extramarital affairs. Group interaction in coed workplaces, frequent travel and long hours create more opportunity and temptation than ever. Glass writes, "all of these changes and others allow individuals to mix freely where once they were segregated and restricted." Studies published in the American Sociological Review and the Journal of Marriage and Family show that before 1985, divorce rates were about equal among working and homemaking women; however, "between 1985 and 1992, the annual probability of divorce among employed wives exceeded that for nonemployed wives by 40 percent."

New Kind of Affair
A different work environment has spawned a different kind of affair. Glass says the old idea of workplace romance between a powerful company executive and his single young secretary no longer reflects today’s office relationship. The new infidelity occurs between peers who first become emotionally attached, having no thought of physical involvement. Men and women who work closely together under stressful conditions can quickly become attracted to each other. They often share interests and think nothing of spending time over coffee or lunch getting to know one another. Nevertheless, lunch between married friends, no matter what their intentions, can have unanticipated and dangerous consequences.

One researcher calls this new kind of affair the "cup of coffee" syndrome. Men and women begin with safe marriages at home and friendships at work. As they regularly meet for coffee breaks and lunch, these relationships develop into deep friendships. Coworkers come to depend on these coffee rendezvous, and soon they have emotional work friendships and crumbling marriages.

Oddly, men and women in these workplace romances believe it is wrong to have an affair. According to Glass, affair partners are usually happy in their marriages and have no plans to leave their spouses. Because of the gradual slide toward infidelity, partners do not pay attention to their behavior until they have already damaged their marriages, and sex is often the last sign that the marriage partner has been betrayed.

Protecting the Marriage
Though today’s workplace offers more opportunity for extramarital relationships, it is not opportunity that is causing the workplace to become such a hotspot of infidelity. Healthy marriages must have proper boundaries. "In a committed relationship, a couple constructs a wall that shields them from any outside forces that have the power to split them," Glass writes. Referring to a particular couple, she adds, "The problem wasn’t that they were attracted, but that they began to act on their feelings as if they had no other primary commitments."

Good intentions are not enough to protect a marriage from the temptations in today’s workplace, to which both men and women fall prey. It is natural to feel an attraction toward someone of the opposite sex, even in happy marriages. But when a man neglects his primary responsibility and allows himself to act on an instinctive attraction — even in his thoughts — he has already violated his marriage vows.

Though many factors can play a role in causing infidelity, it always requires attraction, opportunity, and failure to follow precautions. Glass provides some basic rules to help avoid the new infidelity:

• Don’t allow yourself to think about being with another person, because thoughts lead to actions.
• Don’t flirt, because it tells others you are available.
• Stay away from dangerous situations, because everyone is fallen and can be tempted.

Positive Friendships, Proper Boundaries
Boundaries should always exist outside the marriage relationship and never inside. One way to make sure that your boundaries are in the right place is to always be accountable to your partner. Use a shared e-mail address and contact each other throughout the day. Be open with your spouse about work friendships, and even invite work friends to your home for dinner. By maintaining openness inside the marriage and boundaries outside, you will help keep your marriage happy and healthy.

Friends can provide great encouragement and accountability in your marriage. All of your friends should be friends of your marriage, too. In an interview, Mary White, wife of The Navigators president, Jerry White, said, "We shouldn’t be exclusive in our friendships with our partners. A marriage is strengthened when you have other strong, supportive friendships in your lives." White says she is concerned that too many Christian couples turn exclusively to their marriage for friendship.

No matter what kind of friendships you have, they should always help strengthen your marriage. When couples observe proper boundaries, their marriages are secure, open and comforting. Then, friendships pose no danger. Marriage, like a relationship with God, works best when it enters every corner of life. Secrecy and infidelity are impossible when we are completely transparent within our marriage. This transparency not only protects our marriage from harm on the outside, it keeps our marriage happiest on the inside.

Britney Spears welcomes second baby boy

Tue Sep 12, 8:52 PM ET

US pop princess Britney Spears gave birth to a second baby boy, US news media reported, just two days before her first child is to turn a year old.

Spears, 24, and her husband Kevin Federline, 28, together welcomed their new son into the world in Los Angeles in the pre-dawn hours of Tuesday, People magazine reported.

The child was delivered via a scheduled C-section, the magazine reported.

The couple already have a son, Sean Preston, who will turn one year old on Thursday.

The baby is Federline's fourth child, as he has two small children by his ex-girlfriend, actress Shar Jackson -- Kori, 4, and Kaleb, 2.

Spears spokeswoman Leslie Sloane Zelnik declined to comment on the report to AFP.

Spears first sprang to fame as a teen star and went on to become one of the biggest forces in pop music.

Her 1999 album "Baby One More Time" put her on the global music map, selling a whopping 60 million copies.

Her 2000 single "Oops!... I Did It Again" broke sales records on its release, becoming the fastest-selling album by a female artist in history by selling 1.3 million copies in its first week in US record stores and ultimately shipping 20 million globally.

But the bubbly blonde is most often in the headlines for her private life, including her marriage to dancer Federline, her longtime teen romance with pop star Justin Timberlake and her abortive 2004 marriage to an old friend.

How to pull

Asking someone for a date and making a success of it all seems so easy when you see it on TV or in a film.

But for many people, asking someone out on a date can be a terrifying experience. And that’s nothing compared to the anxiety a first date can cause.

There’s no magic formula for success, but there are some rules you can follow to improve your chances of that first date becoming something more long-term:

1. Choose a good night
   When asking someone out on a date, choose a Wednesday or Thursday night. Fridays and Saturdays put too much pressure on you both and it’s not easy getting to know each other shouting across a packed bar.
2. What’s your date going to be?
   Have a specific day and activity in mind when you ask your prospective date. If you say:
   
   “Would you like to go out sometime?”
   
   You’ll only have to ask again with something more specific. Save yourself the stress!
3. Ask face to face
   It might be easier to send an email, text message or to call, but you should ask for your date face to face. This lets you read your potential partner’s body language and enthusiasm. You can modify your behaviour accordingly.
4. Stay calm
   Nerves will not help you or the conversation on your first date. If you’re nervous beforehand, try deep-breathing to calm yourself down or repeat to yourself “I’m interesting and fun” or “I’m calm and not afraid of anything.”
5. Don’t be afraid to flirt
   It’s a date, not a job interview, so let yourself go a little! Use your whole body and lean forward, smile and relax your hands.
6. Make eye contact
   Looking someone in the eye can be very alluring, they feel as if they’ve got your undivided attention.
7. Smile
   An open smile (but not a smirk) is always a winner. There’s no excuse not to smile if things are going well.
8. Enjoy yourself
   Everyone looks better when they’re happy. You should be enjoying yourself and the other person’s company, why not show it?
9. Be realistic
   There’s no such thing as the perfect partner – are you expecting too much of your date(s)? You might not be all that perfect yourself!
10. If all else fails…get a second opinion
    If you keep getting turned down or your dates flop, you may not be the best judge of why that is.
    
    Ask a friend to tell you honestly what’s wrong with your approach. You may not like what you hear, but you could benefit from the advice.

4 People Who Are Sabotaging Your Sex Life

Tracey Cox

Sex provides some of life's most intoxicating moments ‑- and some of its biggest downers. Whether your experience has weighed heavier on the ups or the downs depends entirely on your "sexual blueprint." We all have one. It's our brain's reference for how we feel and think about sex. Influenced by everything we're presented with sexually, it starts forming in our subconscious on the day we're born. If you've been exposed to positive and healthy people and events, your blueprint will be positive, and your sex life will thrive. But if your sex life isn't as fabulous as you'd like it to be, it's time to figure out why ‑- and break the pattern. It comes down to these four saboteurs.

Your Parents

The genes you inherit influence your personality, your relationships with other people and your sex drive. If your mother or father had a high or low libido, there's a good chance you do too. We're all products of the generation before, and our parents' attitudes toward sex heavily influence our own. If you grew up with strict, religious parents who shuddered at the sight of bare knees and stuck to the stork story until you were 20, you will obviously have a different sexual blueprint from someone whose parents walked around naked and sent the kids off on dates with a wink and a condom. Even if you end up with strongly opposing views ‑- which often happens if parents' attitudes toward sex were extreme ‑- you're still reacting to their initial viewpoint. How your mother and father relate to each other sexually also has an effect. We learn how men treat women, how women treat men and how a sex life functions by the way our parents behave toward each other.

Your Ex

Almost all of us have a significant ex hovering hauntingly in the back of our mind. How this person made us feel about our body and sex often dictates how good in bed we think we are. A loving, emotionally generous ex leaves us feeling sexually secure, which means we'll most likely go on to other caring, satisfying relationships. A manipulative ex who constantly criticized us sets us up for more of the same.

Sometimes sex problems stem from an unhealthy obsession with an unfairly intoxicating ex who seemed to steal our libido along with that favorite CD. Some people still fantasize about an old lover months or years on (come on ‑- no one's that good), and all subsequent lovers come in a sad second place. Other exes sabotage our sex lives by acting as substitute boyfriends, stopping us from moving on. Sex with an ex is awfully tempting when you're both single, both horny and ‑- the clincher ‑- you've done it before.

Your Favorite TV Stars

There are two types of sex: manufactured and real. Manufactured sex is what you see dished up on TV and in the movies: sexual nirvana where everything and everyone is perfect. Real sex is what real people do ‑- and it's rarely, if ever, perfect. But we never get to witness people having real sex, so our perceptions are based on the fantasy celluloid version. Even though we intellectually know life really isn't like Wisteria Lane, if we tune in to Desperate Housewives often enough, our subconscious starts to believe it is. And we start feeling flawed because everyone on telly seems flawless.

Movie sex sets even higher ideals. Actors are chosen for their perfect bodies and faces, made up by world-famous makeup artists and then carefully positioned under millions of dollars of lighting, all meticulously designed to flatter. The perfect couple then poses, pouts, groans and moans their way to an earth-shattering simultaneous orgasm, leaving us jealous and wondering, Why can't I have that? The result is a nagging sense of sexual dissatisfaction and fear that we don't measure up.

Your Friends

We like to measure ourselves against the norm to find our place in the sexual pecking order. Intellectually, we all know it shouldn't matter what Dick and Jane do in bed. But unfortunately it does. If you're sitting in the coffee shop listening to your girlfriends rattle on about this guy and that guy and what Brad does and how wonderful it is when he does it, you're bound to feel peeved if the closest you get to an orgasm is eating a block of Hershey's. The trouble is, how do you know your friends are telling the truth? Who hasn't gone home after a tell-all confessional with the girls secretly feeling guilty for exaggerating because everyone else's sex lives sounded so interesting? According to the experts, we overplay and exaggerate our sexual prowess when we first meet people, out of a desire not to seem inferior. Quite the opposite happens once we become fast friends; then we exaggerate how bad things are.

As impressionable adolescents, friends teach each other the "how to" part of sex education: how to kiss, how to flirt, how to do naughty things behind the bleachers. The only problem is, our peers tend to suffer from "one-up-personship." All too often they'll say it was wonderful, when in fact it was awful. Then when we try it and, through embarrassment or lack of knowledge, also find it awful, we think we're getting it wrong. We've been told so many conflicting things about sex that it's not surprising it's a continuous source of unease.

Breaking the Pattern

Are you destined for misery if the people around you weren't exactly sexually inspiring? Not if you recognize the problem and actively set out to correct it, say psychologists. Here's how:

1. Be aware of any stereotypes you've formed and actively challenge them. Write down the three main messages you got about sex from each of the people/categories listed in this article. Then write down healthier alternative messages you'd like to use to replace the distorted views. From this, take the five messages you most want to adopt about sex, pin them to your bedroom mirror and look at them daily. This will help your brain adjust your sexual blueprint.
2. Educate yourself sexually. Arm yourself with some good sex manuals and start studying. Read the sections that talk about emotional feelings about sex as well as the technical how-to chapters on improving your love life. Education is power. The more evidence you have to dispute unhealthy sex messages, the more chance you have of changing them.
3. Work on your self-esteem. If your experiences have left you seriously doubting your sexual appeal and attractiveness, surround yourself with people who give you confidence or take a few self-esteem-boosting courses to help get you back on track.
4. Don't be afraid to seek help. If you feel seriously troubled or out of control, visit a counselor. Sometimes one or two sessions with an expert can save you years of soul searching!

Facing Fears

Charlotte Adelsperger

A horrible highway accident kills a mother and her two children. When third-grader Ashley learns that one of her classmates died in the crash, she runs to her mother’s arms. Her mother holds her a long time but struggles with what to say.

When nightmares haunt Ashley, she wakes her parents who cuddle her and tell her how much they love her. “I’m afraid you will die! Or I will,” Ashley admits.

Children are sometimes afraid of being left alone or hurt in some way. If you don’t carefully monitor your child’s TV viewing, children take in horrid scenes of war, terrorist attacks and natural disasters. Some fear death when a parent is in the military.

Children are also bombarded with news of accidents, murders and fires. Some children will face traumas of their own, such as the death of loved ones or serious illnesses. Though many children are able to work through fear and grief, others can become emotionally paralyzed.

How can I help? is a universal cry of parents in a fear-infested world. The best course of action is to fortify your kids by teaching them how to face their fears.

Help your child know and trust God by keeping Him as the center of your own life. Connect with a strong church, and set an example of taking all situations to God. His eternal perspective sheds light on our worries. The following ideas will also help:

• Express God’s truth when your child shares a fear, whether realistic or magnified. “People who don’t follow God’s way sometimes do bad things such as killing or stealing. But remember God is with you. He cares for you.”
  
  
• Lovingly listen when your child expresses fear. Put your arm around him and pray for him. Let him know you understand and have had similar feelings.
  
  
• Explore and plan practical steps to help your child overcome a given fear.
  
  
• Teach your child how to pray openly to his heavenly Father. The goal of prayer is to build faith, become wise and alert to life’s situations and walk closely with God.
  
  
• Show your child God’s promises from the Bible. Memorize verses together and put them in key places around the house.
  
  
• Talk with your family about ways to face fears in God’s strength. Cite examples of Christian people who have overcome tough situations. When troubles come, share how God helps you.

Fourth-grader Jonathan says he often talks with his parents about scary stuff he sees on TV news. His parents respond by limiting his media intake and teaching Jonathan to pray. When asked what he would tell another kid who is afraid, he says, “Let God help you in your life. Constantly ask for His help.”

As parents, you can build a lasting sense of security by helping your child know and love God. Then watch your child develop wisdom and confidence to face fears.

Freeing the Female Orgasm

Pala Copeland

Women 's capacity for orgasm is awesome. They can come over and over again, and still be ready for more! This capacity seems almost limitless. They can experience clitoral orgasms, g-spot organisms, vaginal orgasms, ejaculatory orgasms, blended orgasms, and not only one but multiples of any of these! They've even been blessed with a body part, the clitoris, whose only purpose is sexual pleasure. This may all seem a bit unfair to men, who typically reach a precipice, fall over the edge, roll over and go to sleep!

Why is it then that so many women are frustrated rather than satisfied? Why is it that, for so many loving couples, the female orgasm remains an elusive dream, one in which she's perhaps become resigned to sex that 's pleasurable but not truly satisfying, or even worse, faking it to salvage her partner 's ego. If it is really bad, perhaps she fakes orgasm just to get the sexual ordeal over with! Or he sadly wonders, "What 's wrong with me? Why can 't I make her come, despite stiff fingers and aching tongue?" His sexual self-esteem is wounded, and he secretly feels less of a man, believing he has failed her.

The first step on the path to freeing a woman's organism is for both men and women to understand that men do not give women orgasms. Women allow themselves to have orgasms. Despite popular belief, no matter how good a lover you may be, unless your partner can give herself up to the pleasures of her body, she won 't have orgasms. This realization alone can open the door to women becoming orgasmic. It takes the pressure to "perform" off of men, and it frees women to take responsibility for their own sexual fulfillment.

This is very important. If your woman is blaming you, and you may also be blaming yourself for her not having orgasms, it is quite possible, even likely, that you are both looking in the wrong place to solve the problem. Mind you, an unskilled, selfish, or insensitive male lover can be a real problem, and at the very least is certainly a dull bore. And to say that a woman is responsible for her own sexual fulfillment does not mean you revert to a wham-bam-thank-you-ma 'am approach to sex and let her fend for herself. After all, the more skilled and attentive a lover is the more pleasure he himself receives, and although you can't give her an orgasm, you certainly can help her to have one, or even lots of them. So even though it 's not entirely up to you, there is something you can do to help.

The biggest barrier to orgasm for women is mental distraction – thoughts that float into her mind, catching her in her head, and taking her away from what 's going on in her body. As soon as she starts thinking, she is out of the moment and will lose touch with her senses and her pleasure. Some of these thoughts may trigger feelings of shame or guilt about experiencing sexual pleasure, for no matter how liberated our attitudes toward sex seem to have become, there yet exists the perception that "good girls don 't!" Even today, women are divided into categories of "virgin" or "whore". Those who engage lustily in the delights of the body are somehow morally questionable. You can help your partner move beyond these pleasure stifling attitudes by letting her know how much you respect, admire and cherish her fully female sensual self. Tell her often, especially when you 're making love, that it thoroughly turns you on to see her let loose the passionate side of her nature.

This is not always easy for men to do. They may have internalized an unconscious conditioning that leads them to accept the rather misogynist belief that women can 't be good and pure, and also be fantastic lovers. If they believe this, they are placing themselves in a very unfortunate situation. This belief system inevitably leads to the man selecting one woman for a partner, spouse and mother, and a different partner for an affair or mistress. Adultery is about the only option left to a man who holds such a belief system. The resulting deceit and lying force a separation between the couple and the relationship ends soon enough, for example in breaking up or divorce. In this scenario, the man is at fault and the solution does lie with him. Only a change in his beliefs will solve this problem.

Sexual abuse is a horror and curse that is unbelievably common in our society. Women that have been sexually abused often have great difficulty in allowing themselves to trust their lover, let go into the sensual moment, and surrender to sexual ecstasy. If your lady is having difficulty experiencing orgasm; if you are a reasonably skilled lover; and if you have communicated to her that you honestly wish her to fully awaken as a sexual partner, then the problem could be some psychological damage from sexual abuse. Ask her about this with the greatest tenderness and caring that you are capable of. Be aware that many women actually blame themselves for their own sexual abuse, so this can be the touchiest of all possible subjects for discussion. If sexual abuse is an issue, it is advisable to encourage her to seek professional counseling or some other form of help.

Besides worrying about whether they are "bad" if they really enjoy and want sex "a lot," many women worry about enjoying sex the right way. They worry about how they look, smell and taste. They worry that the cellulite in their upper thighs or the slight bulge of tummy fat may quiver unattractively. They worry about being "clean down there." They worry about how long it takes to reach climax, how much time their man has to spend stroking, licking, and caressing to help them fly over the mountain. All of these thoughts take them out of lovemaking. To help her stay in the pleasures of her body tell her with words and sounds and looks that you adore her, you love to devour her with your tongue, you could keep on touching her forever, it 's a delight to you to give her pleasure. And mean it, because if you haven 't learned how to enjoy pleasuring your partner, pretty soon you won 't have one!

Once she 's able to relax into the joys of lovemaking and focus on the exquisite sensations, her body can feel, rather than listening to the demon distracters her mind can conjure up, a woman 's path to orgasm is much clearer. With particular loving skills of your own, you can assist her to break that path wide open.

Most men enjoy having their genitals touched at any time, whether they 're sexually aroused or not. This isn 't usually the case with women. Think of the vagina as a "potential" opening, a magical door that will happily open wide to receive you, but only after you 've called ahead to ensure your welcome. Be certain she 's eager for your genital explorations by focusing loving attention on other parts of her body first – lots of kissing, neck nuzzling, tender strokes on back, shoulders and arms, then adoring caresses of her breasts. Only after you sense she 's ready, through signs like rapid breathing, flushed skin, hardened nipples or enticing moans, should you move to her vagina. Once your hand or mouth is at her sweet honey pot, begin to explore it from the outside inward – outer lips, clitoris, inner lips, vaginal canal.

Generally women reach orgasm most easily through clitoral stimulation. The clitoris is extremely sensitive to touch of all kinds. Often the head of the clitoris, the pointed tip, is too sensitive for much direct pressure, so focus your attention on the sides. Touch around the clitoris instead of right on it, at least until her level of excitement increases. The skin tissue of your fingers is not nearly as sensitive as the tissue around her clitoris, but the tissue of your mouth and tongue is an almost perfect match in sensitivity. Unless you are more highly skilled in using your fingers, it is a much safer way to start by using your mouth for oral stimulation of the clitoris. Experiment with different pressures, strokes and speeds. Ask her which ones she likes best. A good way to do this is to try two different touches, then ask her if she likes "a" or "b" better.

If she 's willing, invite her to masturbate in front of you so you can learn exactly how she likes to be touched. Many women are shy to do this at first, but with some gentle encouragement she may really show her wanton self. It can be a great turn-on for both of you. Many men are actually quite frightened by a woman who is fully sexually awakened. They may doubt their own ability as a man to keep up, or to be able to perform adequately. They may fear that if she is too sexual for him she may go elsewhere and find what she wants. It may help you to overcome this fear if you remember that you are not responsible for giving your lady sexual satisfaction. She must do that for herself. But if this fear is very strong, you may seek counseling help to deal with it.

When you do find a particular stroke or caress that is really driving her wild, keep doing it and keep doing it and keep doing it. Don 't change anything about it. Don 't go faster, slower, softer, harder, or switch direction. Keep doing exactly the same thing until she lets you know she wants a change either through words or body movement. This holds true whether you 're pleasuring her clitorally or vaginally with your fingers or your mouth. Keep going even if your hands or mouth get really tired!

It 's a good idea to wait until she is very aroused before entering her vagina, either with your fingers or your penis. Generally, if she 's not wet, she 's not ready. It 's as simple as that. If your lover doesn 't have a lot of natural vaginal juices even when she is fully aroused be sure to use a good silicone or water-based lubricant. Nothing can be a quicker turn-off than rough, dry skin rubbing on soft vaginal tissues. Water-based or silicone lubricant is better because oil can clog the sensitive vaginal tissue.

The most sensitive part of a woman's viginal canal is the first inch to two inches. It 's here that most of the nerve endings are located, so when you first enter her concentrate most of your attention there. The elusive g-spot can usually be found in this general area, on the top of the vaginal wall, a couple of inches in. Imagine a glass lying on the floor. If you reach your first two fingers into the glass at the top, i.e., toward the ceiling rather than the bottom towards the floor, you should find it. It is difficult to reach the g-spot through intercourse, so you will find it much easier with you fingers than with your penis. There are also some interesting dildos and vibrators with just the right shape to reach the g-spot. Move your index finger or your first two fingers in a "come hither" motion (as if you were asking someone from across the room to come over to where you are) and gently stroke her. When you touch her g-spot you may notice a more bumpy or raised area of skin, but you may not. The best way to know you 've found this highly intense love spot is by her reaction. Where you look is not quite as important as when you look. Unless she is excited through and through, perhaps from a clitoral orgasm beforehand, it can be difficult to find the g-spot.

Stimulation of the g-spot can produce extraordinarily intense orgasms. As a woman is approaching a g-spot orgasm she may feel she has to urinate. This may immediately cause her to tighten up, stop, and pull back from the edge of bliss. If she can stay relaxed and keep going through that "have-to-pee" sensation, it will pass and move on into deep waves of sexual delight. Encourage her to breathe deeply and regularly. She should urinate before intercourse begins so she can be more confident that the feeling that she has to urinate is a misleading feeling and can be safely ignored.

For most women it is difficult to reach a climax through intercourse alone. This is because the sensitive clitoris isn 't easily stimulated just by thrusting motions alone. Often the male partner goes over the edge into ejaculatory orgasm before the woman has had enough action to bring her to the heights of orgasm. If you touch her clitoris before and during intercourse, and if you 've pleasured her vaginally by touching the g-spot with your fingers, the chances are much better that she will have a deep vaginal orgasm while your penis is inside her. Choose positions that will stimulate the upper vaginal wall and try some shallow trusting patterns to stimulate the g-spot. Learn the strokes that turn her on. Tell her how fabulous it is that she 's sensual and sexual. Let her know you adore her body and love to touch and kiss it for hours. Help her forget about trying to make orgasm happen and focus instead on thoroughly enjoying every moment of lovemaking. If you awaken your multi-orgasmic woman, you are going to like it!

Dissolving the Effects of Abuse

Evalena Rose


For many of us wounded sexually as children, intimacy and sexuality are a struggle between trying to consistenly feel our sexual feelings or give up caring about relationships. Incest and centuries of repressing the feminine and truncating the masculine (in us all) make intimacy difficult for many, often hard work, and sometimes frought with triggers. I feel healing such pervasive effects requires we come to live in our deeper feminine, the true nature that lies beneath the wounds. At our core we must be whole and I want us to find our way back to that wholeness and original innocence.

I love doing therapy with the heroic people who've not only survived incest and childhood horrors, but manage to have a life while freeing themselves of being ruled by the past. My guides have joined me in committing to find faster, kinder ways for survivors to heal than reliving memories and being victim to the pain again and again. I studied soul retrieval as done in shamanic traditions and found Spirit and I developing many ways to retrieve and nurture fragmented parts of the soul. In bringing all of the person into current time, the memories recede into another time and the person's Essence separates from their experience.

Betrayal by one's closest loved ones shatters the psyche, which cannot hold both a child's need to love and trust its caretakers, and their violent intrusion of boundaries, without splitting apart. Many of us with multiple abusers split into myriad pieces, all containing some part of the radiance of our self, each playing some role in the complex adaptive scheme we needed to survive. Some handle anger, some fear, some get invisible, some present a good face to the world.

I find survivors amazingly inventive of ways to cope with the unacceptable and live with the unforgivable. The more vicious the abuse, the more parts the child may develop to handle it. The more they loved the abuser, the more separate the splinters must be to hold both love and hate. There are many levels of dissociation before that called "multiple," which is only the end of a very long continuum.

Once splits are brought back, the task is to love them, learn about them and nurture them so they can trust life enough to come live in the present. The present is the safest place to be, especially if you do spiritual practices to be with Presence.

You'll often hear someone saying they've been "triggered," which I feel means they've contacted a place inside "caught in the past." A younger self is still at the moment of the abuse because they could not process it, which is how one closes the door on the past. I've learned to use the trigger as a signal a younger self needs my attention and has something old to release.

Because sexual invasions are so incomprehensible and splinter the psyche so deeply, one's sexuality becomes scattered and disorganized and one develops strange coping mechanisms not so adaptive in adult love. This shows up in various ways: promiscuity or being shut down sexually, being able to flirt and seduce but not sustain intimacy, objectifying self and other in an attempt to get sex over with and return to safer ground. Others lose themselves in addictions, obsessively having sex or compulsively running fantasies to avoid feeling. Therapy can help clear some of these patterns, energetic healing can release them from the cells, but one must also learn new, effective behaviors and have support in replacing the old ways of avoiding pain with adult ways of making love.

Experiencing years of sharing Tantra in circles of loving people taught me how important it is to have an on-going support system for exploring your sexuality and learning healthy skills. I offer tantra in on-going women's groups because I know it takes continual use of spiritual practices to release the old coping mechanisms and enter into a sacred and positive relationship with one's sexuality.

In ancient times, upon adolescence, we would be taken to temples of love and be initiated in the arts of love-making and honoring spirit in each other. At each new stage of relationship, we would return and be guided by high priestesses and dakinis (trained sexual healers) in developing knowledge of love that allowed us to be fulfilled in our relationships and kind to our loved ones. If sexual violence were ever to happen (unlikely in a society where sexual needs are met), the child or adult would be taken into the loving arms of those who serve the Goddess to be restored to love and trust.

It's time to re-create those temples and be sexual healers for each other. We've been forced to hide our sexuality, not talk about it, make love only in private, and often with closed eyes, when we ought to celebrate our sexuality and exhalt it as the bridge from soul to soul it is meant to be.

I recently guided a three day retreat with a highly dissociated survivor, a successful corporate trainer, who's found relationship elusive and sexuality difficult. My task was to remain a clear vessel through which Spirit could direct the re-coalescing of her parts: over 30 splintered sub-personalities we've come to know over a decade of healing memories and reclaiming her splits. As she integrates her soul energy back into the body, and lives from her wholeness, she finds life rearranging itself to be more what she wants, and gains the courage and wisdom to study relationships and learn new skills.

Reclaiming sexuality this damaged involves removing all that blocks you from you. I exchange with a healer who teaches me about realigning one's energy fields with those of one's soul, one's Highest Intention, one's Essence, the Heart of Source. One's own light is the organizing force that will bring order again into the shattered places.

I do this practice often for I must reclaim my wholeness regularly or I slip into feeling shattered by life and disorganized. I find as I call in these higher levels of alignment, I become the purity before the wounds. In this woman's retreat, I got to witness recovered splits and fragments become, once again, the Divine Child. What an honor and a validation of our right to believe in and approach complete restoration.

Reclaiming Lost Sexuality

Evalena Rose


For far too many women, sexuality is a battleground between the past and the present. Touch and closeness trigger memories of past touch that was wounding or, for those who've been violated, devastating. Centuries of repression of the feminine make intimacy difficult for many women as little of our natural, spontaneous and joyful sexuality remain.

Too often, our loved ones instilled fear and distrust of intimacy, a realm where trust is essential. Even if a family's touch is healthy, messages that separate us from our bodies abound in this culture where, intimacy is little understood. We struggle to own our sexuality again and find our passion, or try to get by without it (who needs it anyway!) to avoid the pain and confusion.

Having been wounded repeatedly myself, I found therapy not enough to bring me home to myself. It helped heal the past wounds, but I still didn't know how to create an adult sexuality or allow the deep connection and soul contact I yearned for. Discovering the path of Tantra over a decade ago allowed me to unravel the wounds from my body and psyche and open to connecting sexually on my own terms. I discovered my wholeness behind the wounds and felt initiated into arts that have been lost since the ancient temples were taken from us.

Recovery from incest paralleled opening to a deeper sexuality and releasing bonds that strangled my passion. Sometimes old emotions would surface, but this ancient healing path that honors both the dark and the light had space for my pain and anger. I was supported in healing by those who also coaxed forward my goddess nature and full range of expression. Being in a community of caring people gave me the sense of heathy family nurturing my growth (finally!).

Sexual invasions, especially those in childhood split, the psyche asunder and create chaos and confusion in one's sexuality. It is either blocked off or open without boundaries, sometimes vacillating from one to the other. This shows up in various ways: promiscuity or being shut down sexually, being able to flirt and seduce but not sustain intimacy, objectifying self and other, or rushing to get sex over with to return to safer ground.

The survivor may strive to offer what is wanted, be who you think the other seeks, and not be present, even to yourself, to know what you want -- let alone ask for it. Serving as therapist with women recovering from such wounds, I find that to fully release the dysfunctional pattern, one must acquire new behaviors and attitudes, the kind that encourage and allow healthy relationships.

Even women not overtly wounded come from a society that rarely teaches relationship and communication skills, one that devalues emotional intimacy while over-valuing facades. Women are told how to look and behave, not taught how to fulfill their needs and satisfy their longings. In ancient times, we were initiated in the arts of sustaining sacred relationships in the safety of temples with trained priestesses helping us open. I wanted to bring back such safe settings and the lost arts of intimacy that ought to be natural.

I've felt drawn, and somehow assigned by Spirit, to help coalesce a community of women engaged in discovering their true nature and entering into a sacred, positive relationship with their sexuality. By learning these tools in the safety of loving circles of women, each gains positive mirrors while exploring her inner world and healthy uses of sexual energy.

I'm thrilled to see a community of women gathering around this work, for reclaiming one's sexuality is a complicated, on-going process that needs the support of sisters over time. It's a joy to see women blossoming under the praise and caring of others as they learn ways of being that allow sexuality to become the source of pleasure and connection it's meant to be. Old coping mechanisms are dropped as more authentic ways of connecting are adopted.

Single women find their sexuality no longer dependent on others or determined by another's needs, as they become more beloved with themselves. Sharing the practices within safe boundaries, women gain experience in healthy ways to relate that make their next relationship more fulfilling. Since they get some needs for touch and sensuality met without having to be sexual, they’ll put less pressure on a future partner to fulfill every need.

Couples doing the work together gain tools for moving beyond blocks and revitalize their connection, accessing deeper passions and achieving greater states of ecstasy. The practices are wonderful ways to achieve altered states as well as full body, extended orgasm, either energetically or physically.

Together we can take our sexual power back and discover ways home to our bodies. Together we can reclaim full ownership of our sexuality and the capacity to ask for and let in what we want. Together we can restore the full power of the feminine and live within it. Blessed Be.

Call to ban pro-suicide websites

The government should make it illegal for internet sites to incite or advise people on how to commit suicide, a charity says.

Papyrus, set up to tackle young suicide, said the risk posed by pro-suicide websites was not being taken seriously enough.

The charity said the 1961 Suicide Act should be amended to make it illegal to publish such material on the web.

The government said it was looking at how rules could be tightened.

At the moment, the law says it is illegal to aid, abet, counsel, procure or incite someone to commit suicide, but to be successfully prosecuted the individual has to have knowledge and participated in the suicide.

The charity said it was aware of nearly 20 internet-related suicides cases in the UK in the last five years.

Papyrus said typing "I want to kill myself" into an internet search engine offers access to 5m sites, many of which give information on how to commit suicide or were chat-rooms where techniques are discussed.

A spokeswoman added: "The sites take no responsibility for the advice they give, do not identify themselves and generally create an atmosphere where suicide is normal, acceptable and to be encouraged.

"The fact is that it is illegal to groom a child to have sex, but not to kill themselves."

The charity said as well as changing the law, the Department of Health's National Suicide Strategy needed to be amended to include reference to the dangers of the internet.

It also wants to see computer manufacturers and retailers include leaflets the charity has produced warning of the dangers of the internet when they sell products.

Law

The Home Office said it was considering whether the 1961 Act could be changed to take internet sites into account.

But a spokesman said: "It is a very complex issue, as many of these sites are hosted abroad and UK law won't apply there."

And the Department of Health said it was looking at other ways of addressing the problem.

"We share the public's concern about these websites and the influence they can have over vulnerable people, particularly young people.

"Ministers are working closely with the Samaritans and the Internet Service Providers Association to look at ways of supporting vulnerable people who may be accessing these sites."

9/11 babies old enough to ask for dad

SARA KUGLER,
Associated Press Writer

NEW YORK - Four-year-old Gabriel Jacobs inherited his dad's sandy hair, long nose and blue eyes. The day they buried what was left of his father — a piece of rib, part of a thigh bone, a bit of one arm — the boy released a balloon into the air, then turned that familiar face skyward to make sure his daddy caught it.

This is how a son reaches out to the father he never met. Ariel Jacobs died in the World Trade Center attack six days before his only child was born.

"When he sends a balloon up to the sky and he finally sees the tiny dot of the balloon go through the clouds, he says, 'OK, the balloon found the doorway to heaven, I think he has it now," says Gabi's mother, Jenna Jacobs-Dick.

There are dozens of children like Gabi Jacobs, born to Sept. 11 widows in the months after the attacks. Five years later, as they approach kindergarten, they are just beginning to grasp the stories of their fathers and of the day that changed their lives forever.

The first baby arrived just hours after the disaster, and the last nine months later. Some mothers only discovered they were pregnant after the dads were gone — including Rudolph Giuliani's longtime aide, who was married to fire Capt. Terence Hatton. The firefighter's daughter was born the next spring, and her mother named her Terri.

Their fathers were rescue workers, cops, restaurant waiters and stockbrokers. Their mothers, pregnant and alone when the dust of the towers settled, worried about the stress on their unborn children from the agony and shock. Some miscarried. One went into labor during her husband's memorial service.

Many moms broke down in the delivery room, where they tried to fill that empty space with photos, a police badge, a piece of clothing. Friends, sisters and in-laws with cameras and brave faces stood in for all those lost dads.

Each delivery was, all at once, wonderful and awful.

Julie McMahon remembers her son's birth in early 2002 as a day of jangled nerves. "It wasn't supposed to be this way," she thought.

She delivered baby Patrick while her husband, Bobby, a firefighter with natural athleticism and a love of photography, looked on from a picture on the bedside table. The photo captured a moment of pure happiness — Bobby, wearing a cap and a giant grin, leans over their first son Matthew, clutching a massive tuft of cotton candy.

Patrick arrived with Bobby's curly hair and lanky body, and has sprouted into a miniature version of his daredevil dad. The child took his mother's breath away recently when he bounded by, swinging his arms and moving his head just so — it was Bobby's carefree strut.

When James Patrick's son was born, everyone agreed it was like looking at his father — the same fair skin, blue eyes and brown hair, that certain way he moved his mouth. The Cantor Fitzgerald bond broker, ecstatic about starting a family, died seven weeks before Jack entered the world.

The boy is also playful and silly like his dad. His mother, Terilyn Esse, like many of the other 9/11 moms, cannot explain how the children acquired their fathers' personalities — the social grace, the twinkling eyes, a love of words or music.

But there is a word they all use to describe it.

"It's bittersweet," says Jacobs-Dick, whose husband was attending a conference at the World Trade Center. "He's a reminder of Ari, not just the fact that he existed, but of who he was because they're so similar, and I can appreciate Ari in the present through him."

She is careful, though, that Gabi doesn't grow up with the sense that he is here to take the place of his father, who wept at the doctor's office when he learned that the blur on the ultrasound was a boy.

It is an unfair burden for any child who has lost a parent, says Marylene Cloitre, director of the Institute for Trauma and Stress at the New York University Child Study Center. And because of the public tragedy, children of 9/11 victims might always feel pressure to represent something even larger.

"Which is very hard to do when you're 17 and you hardly know what you feel and think yourself," Cloitre said. "Like 'Oh, my father's a hero so I have to carry the heroic memory,' when they don't even know what that is or how to do that."

Cloitre is tracking 700 children who lost parents in the 2001 attack, each a study in grief and hardship.

But the 4-year-olds are unique: They are building images of their fathers from the wisps of other people's memories and photographs, without even the subconscious sense of long ago cuddles or kisses on the forehead.

As each child discovers a lost father's life, along come questions: How did Daddy die? Who are the bad guys? Where did the buildings go? When they cleaned up the buildings, did they clean up Daddy, too?

Cloitre says the conversation will change as they grow up. In a few years they will probably want to know whether their fathers would have loved them. As teens, they may wonder about identity — how am I like him?

"It sort of exhausts people — they wish it could be over, that they could just say one thing, but really, what to say today pales in the face of the real challenge, which is a lifelong dialogue with their child about who this person was," she said.

Already, some of these children can tell you Daddy died when bad guys took control of some airplanes, and then flew them into the towers. Others haven't even heard the word "terrorist" and don't know there was anything more than a big fire.

"There are always questions and things that come up, and sometimes I'm thinking, 'oh my gosh' — you try to buy time so you can come up with an answer and do the best you can," says Kimberly Statkevicus, whose second son was born four months after husband Derek died.

Their child, named after his father, turns 5 in January. He knows that a piece of bone was recovered from his father's right hand, and is matter-of-fact about what happened. "My daddy went to work one day and some bad guys came and knocked the buildings down and crushed him like a pancake," he explains.

He wonders why there are no photographs of him and his father, like his brother has. Sometimes, it upsets him.

Some of the questions of these fatherless children are easy: Did Daddy like mayonnaise or mustard? When he played baseball, did he strike people out?

Other times, they're more spiritual: Does he see me when I ride my bike?

For those answers, Terilyn Esse has taught Jack Patrick there is a special thing he can do.

"When he started to talk, I would ask him, 'Where does Daddy live?' And he would say 'In heaven,' and I would say, 'Who does he live with?'" she said. "And he would say 'With God and the angels,' and I would say 'If you want to talk to Daddy what do you do?'

"And he would say 'I close my eyes and look inside my heart.'"