Fewer Cohabiting Couples End Up Marrying

Couples who live together won't necessarily stay together, according to new research. Ruth Weston and Lixia Qu, research fellows at the Australian Institute of Family Studies, conducted a study into the percentage of cohabiting couples who end up marrying one another.

They found that marriage rates had fallen dramatically since the beginning of last century and those couples who did tie the knot were doing so at a later age.

Weston told the Sydney Morning Herald that many young people thought moving in together was "a fun thing to do".

But she said cohabiting couples often lingered for years in unsuitable relationships and had trouble finding new partners when they eventually did split.

"In the old days people might go 'steady' but there was still opportunity to meet others," she said.

"Now once you are living with someone you are cheating if you see someone else. When you cohabit it adds a sense of commitment to a relationship that might be going nowhere."

Weston and Qu's research found that 63 per cent of couples who began living together in the early 1970s ended up marrying, but only 43 per cent of couples who began living together since the 1970s ended up married.

Of those who first moved in together in the early 1990s, there was only a slight difference between the number who were married within five years (43 per cent) and the number who had separated during the same time period (38 per cent).

And while marriage rates have been declining since the 1970s, the rate of cohabitation has risen for all age groups, the research, published in Family Relationships Quarterly shows.

Rates of separation have also increased over the same period, indicating that although more people may be living together, the relationships are not necessarily stable.

Weston told the Sydney Morning Herald that cohabiting couples in the 1980s had tended to treat the relationship as a trial marriage and usually went on to marry each other quickly. "Some might have separated later," she said.

Now, many people enter relationships before they are committed, and without having discussed their future.

"They enter prematurely but can linger on and waste their time," she said.

52 Ways To Support Your Wife During Pregnancy

Giuditta Tornetta

Every dad needs support, encouragement, information, confidence and tools to help him be as involved as he possibly can with his new family. Here are some ideas that will make you popular around the house and make your wife the envy of all of her friends; pregnant and otherwise:

1. Offer to give her back rubs and foot massages.

2. Suggest activities that might be harder to do when the baby comes, like going to movies or concerts.

3. Bring home roses for no reason at all.

4. Vacuum the house, even under the bed, without being asked.

5. Give your wife lots of hugs; research shows that the more she is hugged, the more she'll hug the baby after he comes.

6. Buy her a moisturizing bubble bath.

7. If you're traveling on business, arrange to have a friend take her to dinner.

8. Offer to pick up a pizza on your way home from work, and surprise her with a pint of her favorite frozen yogurt, too.

9. Offer to run errands. Better yet, do those before you are asked.

10. Do the laundry before it piles up.

11. Tell her you think she's going to be a great mother.

12. If she arrives home after you, have a candlelight dinner on the table, complete with sparkling cider.

13. Write her a love letter and send it to her in the mail.

14. Go away for a romantic weekend (together, of course).

15. Buy a toy or outfit for the baby, have it gift-wrapped, and let her unwrap it.

16. Buy her a pretty maternity dress.

17. Go on a long walk with her.

18. Learn baby CPR

19. Offer to give her a back rub -- again.

20. If you smoke, stop.

21. Tell her she's beautiful. Then tell her again a few hours later.

22. Pay extra attention to making sure she has enough to eat--pack some snacks for her before the two of you go out for an evening or for a hike.

23. Organize a surprise baby shower for her.

24. Keep a list of your favorite names or buy her an interesting name book.

25. Paint a picture for or write a letter to your unborn baby.

26. Set up some interviews with potential child-care people.

27. Tell her she looks good even if she's put on weight.

28. Buy her a Mother's Day gift -- even if it's November.

29. Go to her prenatal appointments.

30. Keep a journal, either written, tape-recorded, or videotaped of what you're thinking and feeling during the pregnancy.

31. Do something with her that she knows you absolutely hate to do

32. Take her to visit the nursery at your local hospital.

33. Help her address envelopes for the birth announcements.

34. Learn a few easy recipes.

35. Smile and nod agreeably when she says, "You have no idea what it's like to be pregnant."

36. If you already have children, take them to the park and let your partner have time alone to relax or run an errand she's had to put off.

37. Surprise her with breakfast in bed on a lazy Sunday. Or, on a workday, get up five minutes earlier and surprise her with a power shake.

38. Take the day off from work and hang around the house with her.

39. Give other expectant mothers seats on trains and buses.

40. Make a donation to a local children's hospital or school.

41. Discuss your fears with your partner. Listen to hers too, but don't make fun of them, no matter how insignificant they may seem to you.

42. Paint or wallpaper the baby's room.

43. Listen to her complain and don't tell her she's complaining.

44. Help put together the changing table and crib.

45. Install smoke detectors in your house.

46. Make a new will that includes your baby.

47. Join a health club together.

48. Clean out closets to make room for baby things.

49. Call her on the phone during the day -- just to tell her you love her.

50. Offer to carry her bags.

51. Buy a few tapes of her favorite music to listen to in the labor room.

52. Say "No" if she asks if she's acting crazy.

Glorified Prostitution In the Guise Of Overstayers' Marriage

With tens of thousands of overstayers in the Kingdom, marriages between Saudis, expatriates and overstayers is inevitable. However, such marriages come with problems and many are seemingly a front for prostitution as this reporter investigates.
"A friend of mine met and fell in love with a Southeast Asian overstayer. They ended up marrying, although, of course, it wasn't an official marriage recognized by the Saudi authorities. It was just a nikah," said Muhammad Al-Sayed, an Egyptian expatriate, speaking about a friend.
"Problems began after a year, when they had their first child. They couldn't register him, since the mother was living illegally in the Kingdom," he said, adding, that being unregistered, the father could not even take the baby to a government hospital.
"Since his income is pretty low he couldn't bear medical expenses at a private hospital. This caused a lot of tension between both husband and wife, and finally they divorced. The wife walked out and the baby stayed with the dad," he said, adding that the dad tried looking after the baby and finally, exasperated at not being able to cope, abandoned him in front of a mosque after dawn prayers. One Saudi citizen, who asked not to be named, fell into a relationship with an African overstayer, who became pregnant. The couple then married. After the baby was born, the Saudi man divorced the woman and left the child with her. The woman then married another man with whom she had three children.
Since the family was unregistered, they experienced a lot of problems. The parents finally placed the children in an orphanage run by the Ministry of Social Affairs.
In order to know more about these types of marriages, this reporter decided to enter the world of marrying an overstayer. Dressed sharply in a thobe, finding a matchmaker in Makkah was not a strenuous task.
In Al-Mansour Street - a common thoroughfare used by car owners to pick up passengers - I stopped to pick up a Southeast Asian expatriate looking for a ride.
I plucked up some courage and asked, "I'm looking for a non-Saudi wife. Do you think you could help?" He hesitated and apologized saying he was not a matchmaker. "It's a good thing. God will reward you," I said. After some gentle persuasion the man agreed and asked me to meet him the next day at a certain location in Makkah.
The following day, I arrived at the previously agreed place. A woman came and asked, "Are you Khalid?" I had told the man my name was Khalid and so I said yes. The woman then climbed into the back of my car and told me that the Southeast Asian man had asked her to come and see me.
"Why do you want to marry a foreigner so urgently?" she asked. In reply, I told her that dowries to marry Saudi women are very high. "The dowry will be SAR 21,000 (approximately USD $5,600) and you will also have to cover expenses for the marriage registrar (ma'zun), which is an additional SAR 5,000," she said.
I declined her offer for marriage saying it was too much. "I could marry a Saudi woman for that much," I told her.
On her way out the woman said, "There is another type of marriage, which is much cheaper. But you will only be able to meet your wife for an hour each day. You'll have to fix the time with her. You're not allowed to ask her where she lives or where she goes."
Intrigued, I continued listening. "This type of marriage will cost you only SAR 5,000 (approximately USD $1,333.35) and SAR 1,000 (approximately USD $266.67), each month for her expenses," she added. I agreed to the offer and agreed to meet her the next day. The next day the woman arrived, accompanied by the bride - called Reem - and a man, who claimed to be a ma'zun. The woman asked me to come to her home but I suggested doing the marriage in a public place. They agreed and the marriage contract was written.
Surprisingly, the ma'zun did not even ask for my ID. He simply registered my name (Khalid) and wrote out a marriage contract. He asked us if we agreed to the marriage and congratulated us.
The man then asked if I have any conditions. "Faithfulness is the most important thing to me," I replied innocently. They smiled at each other, and at my naivete.
He then asked the woman if she had any conditions. "I live with my family and I cannot spend the night outside. So we can meet at my friend's apartment and do what we want to do there, without informing my family," she said. I agreed.
The ma'zun then asked me for the dowry. I told him I did not have the money with me at the time and that I would bring the money next week. I then drove the group to the Al-Mansour District. I promised to meet them the next day, but I didn't bother turning up, I had seen enough.
A few days later, I decided to marry another overstayer from the same district. With the help of some overstayers I made contact with a matchmaker, who asked for only SAR 2,000 (approximately USD $533.34), and some time to find me a bride.
A few days later the matchmaker - an African woman - took me to the Sharea Ghourab District of Makkah. When we arrived in the area, she asked me to park my car and proceed on foot. Walking through narrow alleyways I saw a part of Makkah that I had never imagined existed.
Having climbed a steep mountain, we entered an old house. In the main lounge was seated a Nigerian man. The matchmaker spoke to the man in a foreign language at which the man nodded and left the room to return a short while later with three women. He then told me to choose whichever one I wanted. The first woman was a Yemeni national called Abeer, the second was an Ethiopian woman called Safiya and the third was a Nigerian woman called Safi. All three were aged in their 30s. "Abeer is divorced, Safiya is married to a man from Ethiopia and Safi is married on Mesyar to five men here, who visit her according to a fixed time schedule," said the matchmaker.
"The dowry for anyone of them is only SAR 2,000. On the day you visit, the woman will be ready. So you choose the one you want," she added. "I wouldn't mind marrying all of them for that much," I said, adding that I needed to go to an ATM machine to get some money for the dowry. The woman led me out and when I got to my car I drove off leaving her standing.
It does seem that such marriages involving overstayers are only a cover for prostitution. Even sincere marriages with overstayers only end in tragedy with the children paying the price for their parents' mistakes.
Speaking about finding abandoned children in front of mosques, Maj. Abdul Muhsin Al-Mayman, spokesman for Makkah police, said, "These kids are immediately transferred to hospitals for a health checkup and then placed in the care of the Ministry of Social Affairs." He added that marriages need to be officially registered and that marriages with overstayers, according to Saudi law, are illegal since overstayers are not recognized by the law as being able to live and reside in the Kingdom.

Looking Into Long Distance Marriage

DONNA HUSSEY-WHYTE
All woman writer

TWELVE years ago, Princess Wallace's husband Junior left Jamaica for the Canadian farm work programme, armed with just one suitcase, and big dreams to buy a house to make his family comfortable in Portmore.

Two years after leaving, they had a two-bedroom, and today their five bedroom home is complete. So is their family.
When Junior left, both Chelsea and Nicholas were in primary school, today another child has been added to the family, and the older two are in the stages of completing high school and college. The only shadow forming over their perfect family, is the fact that their father doesn't live at home.

Nicholas, now 23, and in his final year at university, tells all woman that as a child he had all the things he wanted, and was the envy of the neighbourhood.

"I had a Nintendo, and when PlayStation came in I had the PlayStation, I had bicycles, scooters, anything I wanted, we were never short of anything," he said. "My mother was both mother and father. You should see her mix cement and change the washer in a pipe, she could do anything."

In fact, as Wallace explains, her husband's leaving caused her to become a Jane-of-all-trades, and she soon learnt not only to cook and clean, but to make shelves, paint, do plumbing, electrical work and fix the car when it broke down.

And the companionship: "I had my children, so I never thought about what I was missing. Junior was home for a few days at least once every six months, so I had him then. At other times I just prayed that he'd be safe there, and I was busy raising the children, so I never thought much about what I was missing out on."
It's another spin to the long-distance relationship, these marriage across the world romances, where the bonds are tested by the distance between the couples.

According to Ministry of Labour information, approximately 6,000 Jamaican farm workers went to Canada in 2006, the largest number since the inception of the programme some 40 years ago, and more could go this year. Many who go are married men, who leave behind their families in search of a better life overseas. Others leave on other programmes, through legal and illegal means, ultimately in search of something that's missing at home.
Nowadays, women are joining in the mass exit, leaving their men behind.

Shakeira Brown is leaving Jamaica at the end of this month, destined for Florida on a programme for nurses that will see her employed at one of the hospitals there. She's leaving her husband and five-year-old daughter behind, but believes that the money she will earn in the US will make up for her absence.

"My husband tried and tried but with his job as a cook and mine as a nurse here, we didn't even have enough money most times to pay our rent," she said. "My friend told me about this programme and I applied, now I'm leaving and he fully supports me."

There have been tales of relationships that failed because one partner lives abroad, there are also some people who feel that being married while one partner lives abroad is no marriage at all. But, as our next interviewee admitted, with the right amount of effort and interest on both parts, a long distance marriage can survive the obstacles - as long as you both refresh your memories of why you chose to do it and trust each other.

Kevin Brown has been married for eight years, five of which he spent living in Jamaica with his wife in England. It started, he said, as a mutual understanding where himself, his wife, and their two children would leave for England.
However, things didn't go as planned and so they decided she should go on ahead and he would join her as soon as the paperwork was sorted out. Then came the introduction of the visa to travel to England, and after two attempts to acquire one, he and the children were turned down.

It has been far from easy for Brown, but nonetheless, after five years apart with not one visit, he still thinks of her as his wife.
"At times you think on both sides of the situation. I think about it from her side as well as mine. But we still do stuff together. I don't make any form of investment unless she is involved. So even though she is not physically here, I still consider what we have a marriage," he said.

"We have to remember too that it is not only about us, but about the kids too. Kids make a lot of difference in a marriage."
He added: "Sometimes I sit and just reflect on the good times we had together and that helps to give me comfort. To tell the truth, sometimes I think she might be cheating but sometimes I don't think so."

Infidelity is one of the main concerns in long distance marriages, an issue that's bound to surface the longer the couple stay apart.
For Wallace: "I know he probably has a woman up there but I don't let that bother me. I'd drive myself crazy with that. But I know that he's a man, and that he has needs, especially, as Jamaicans say, when the cold bite you. We never talk about it. I just don't want to know."

Brown has kept himself celibate, but admits that it's hard, and he does feel attracted to other women sometimes.
He tries to be as open with his wife as possible.
"I always told her if she really need to cheat, use a condom and don't have a child for someone else. I wouldn't be able to deal with that, just as much as I know I would never put her through that trauma. If your partner cheats, you can forgive them and move on. But if a child is involved it's harder."

Regarding contact: "We speak every single day. Because I mean its not like she said she was leaving and not coming back or anything like that."
Brown explained that up to a year and a half after she left, he could hardly survive and missed her much more than he thought he would.

"For a year and a half, I couldn't keep a steady job. I changed four jobs within that period of time, none of which lasted beyond six months. I used to always call and ask her if she wasn't coming home. But she would remind me that it is for the best."
In fact, this January they were able to purchase a house together and seven months ago, his wife surprised him by buying him a vehicle. He admits to missing her and looks forward to her coming home before the year ends.

You need trust and communication

Sheri and Bob Stritof, authors of The Everything Great Marriage Book say that being apart "makes a marriage even more challenging".

In an article How to maintain a long distance marriage they say:
1. The key, as it is in all relationships, is communication. Keep the lines of communication open on a daily basis.
2. Being committed to one another and truly believing that your spouse belives in the marriage commitment is vital.
3. A long distance marriage will fail if there is a lack of trust between the partners.
4. Although you are apart from one another, make time for one another. You can do this by sending a letter, an email, writing in a journal, day dreaming about your spouse, or having an ICQ or chat conversation.
5. Share your expectations about being apart from one another. Also share your expectations when you are close to being together again.
6. Be honest about your concerns and fears about your separation.
7. Try to do daily dialogue with each other.
8. Keep a daily journal.
9. Give one another a scented pillow case or shirt to help keep your presence with them.
10. Plan a trip or some fun activity (other than sex) to do when the two of you are back together.
11. Use online communication to send emails, electronic cards, pictures, music, poems, and stories.
12. Camcorders can be great for being able to see one another or your children.
13. Play online games together.
14. Surprise each other once in a while with a phone call. Send care packages to each other now and then.

They also advise that couples do not immediately assume that their partner will cheat because of the physical separation. "Most long distance marriages do not have to deal with this heartache because of the love and commitment the spouses feel for one another," they say. "What you need is commitment, communication, a sense of humour, trust and discipline."