I once dated a guy who wasas obsessed with having a threesome. He made a list of candidates, scouted locations, ran ideas by me - he had the event planned from beginning to end like a wedding.
I was more perplexed by his behaviour than put off; I can see the appeal of a threesome, but why the fixation?
I realise that my ex is not alone, every girl and her sister has had some guy hint that he'd like to hop into bed with her ... and her sister.
And it doesn't end there. There are so many strange things men do in bed, strange things we'd like them to stop doing. So Glamour came straight out and asked guys about their more puzzling passions.
Read their responses and never have another "Why'd he do that?" moment in bed.
QWhy are guys obsessed with making women scream like porn stars?
Leslie (27) wants to know because, she says, "Once after sex, this guy said, 'It didn't seem like you were into it - no moaning, no yelling. What's wrong?' I wanted to tell him, 'Hey, I'm not a porn star - and don't you know those women are faking it anyway?' It's a lot to ask of us civilians."
She wishes men would understand that women's more low-key, dreamier responses are legit, too.
"I want to enjoy whatever's happening and not have to think, OK, what weird noises should I make to let him know that I'm enjoying myself?"
AGuys dig the feedback ...
"Those sounds let us know that we're on the right track," says Adam (25). Adds Ned (23) "Hearing panting or moaning is exciting!"
Men like anything with surround sound. Just don't feel obligated to adjust your volume level to loud. Says Leslie, "I've learned that a
little 'Mmm, that feels good' goes a long way."
QPlease stop the jackhammer sex, it's just plain frustrating.
"It makes men seem like they're less interested in our pleasure than they are in digging to China," says Marjorie (37). "Yeah, women like it hard on occasion, but with my ex, for example, there was no finesse and no variance, even when I made suggestions."
AGuys get carried away ...
"Sometimes that's what it takes for us to finish, mainly due to years of doing it ourselves, impatiently, with too-fast strokes," insists Wayan. But sometimes men get carried away. "When we're revved up, we don't want to be all delicate," says Simon. By all means, ask men to slow down; just do it loud enough for them to hear over their motors.
QHow come men do the exact same thing every time during sex?
Plenty of women I spoke with vented about Roboguys - strange creatures whose sexual routines never ever vary.
"First he'd kiss my neck, then my ears, then my lips," says Beth (35) recalling one such droid. "Then his hands would move to my chest, then to my belly, then down below, where he'd rub for three minutes - give or take a few seconds - before we'd have sex.
Whenever I'd move his hands they'd drift back into auto-mode, like they were programmed. It's as if he were thinking, last time I did this, I got to have sex. Must do the exact same thing again."
AGuys stick to what works ...
"It's not always easy to figure out a women's needs in bed. If we think we have a system down pat, we hit cruise control," says Adam. "That and, yes, sometimes we get lazy."
QHello! What's the big deal with swallowing?
"I learned early on that swallowing is important to a guy, but I've never understood why," says Tina (26). "When I was 18, I agreed to have oral sex with my boyfriend only on the condition that I didn't have to swallow. "Two months later he gave me no warning and I inadvertently spat all over him ... he happily said it was worth it just to see me swallow even for a second."
AIt's partly about symbolism ...
Men think swallowing demonstrates an admirable "will-do" attitude. "It's not like if she doesn't you're offended," says Ned. "But if she does, you love that she's putting in the bonus effort, maybe because she loves your performance." Annoying, right? But I also heard from several men that part of the allure is purely physical: an orgasm feels better, they say, when there is no break in the action.
"Imagine you were on the receiving end of oral sex and a guy pulled away just as you hit the critical moment," one man reasoned. OK, guys - got it.
QWhy do guys have bedroom attention deficit disorder?
Recalls Heather (30) "Sex with this one guy was more like gymnastics - he flipped me all over the place so I felt like a ragdoll. Every time something started to feel great, I was hurled into yet another position. I felt like he was producing, directing and starring in an event rather than focusing on what I wanted."
AMen are like puppies ...
Men are like puppies: once you seem pleased with their tricks, they say, they're eager to show off other ones. That's why when women murmur, 'Right there!' men hear 'Good job!' and move on. Says Adam, "Never underestimate the power of the words 'Don't stop.' "
QWhat's with the tongue-flicking?
You know what we're talking about - guys who dart their tongues in and out of your ears, on your neck ... anywhere you can put a tongue. "I swear, this guy I'm dating uses his tongue to tap out Morse code on me below the belt - at least that's what it feels like," says one friend.
AIt seems more stimulating ...
There is, at least in men's minds, a tongue-penis continuum. "We treat the tongue like the penis - as in, it likes things hard and fast," says David (36). "Quick flicking seems more stimulating than slow, gentle moves," notes Andrew.
QWhy do men fall asleep so soon after sex?
Jen (32) best sums up this gripe: "My boyfriend crashes so hard and fast, I could play Bolero on the trumpet and he wouldn't even roll over."
AIt depletes guys, like death ...
"You know how the French call an orgasm le petit mort - the little death? It's like that!" says Simon. "A large amount of vital force has left our bodies. We're depleted."
Guys, get a grip! We're zonked too, but we don't start snoring in your face (and we don't call our bodily fluid a "vital force," either, come on!). The only way to train a man not to conk out, say my male informants: let him know that, despite his quirks and oddball cravings, you just might be up for round two. And there you have it, girls ... The male sex brain explained.